"Everything will be fine... No really..."

So like, in the space of 10 minutes I was told that I couldn't return to Thailand to my job which I loved doing and that I'd have to stay here and start dialysis. It was all a pretty big shock. I remained quite calm. I always knew that my kidney would inevitably fail someday, maybe not this soon but I guess it's just my time. 

One thing that struck me was the rather casual and blasé attitude that everyone at the hospital seemed to have. "So you gotta start dialysis as soon as possible." they said it as if it was nothing... Like I know the seriousness of it all. I'm not stupid but I was quite shocked at the lack of information about it. I had a million and one questions in my head and they all came roaring at the same time but never came out of my mouth. I guess if you don't ask you never find out but I sure wish there was someone there who is actually informative about what's about to happen to you. 

I was told I could choose my treatment but I already had a good idea which one I was gonna do. HaemoDialysis involves going to the hospital 3 - 4 times a week and sitting there on a machine whilst it cleans your blood out... Or Peritoneal Dialysis was a machine I could just hook myself up to every night, go to sleep, it's done and voila! I just carry on with my day. I favoured the less hospital visiting one and the one with more independence. It kinda just made sense to me that way. 

However I really wish someone was there to fully explain everything about peritoneal dialysis and what's gonna happen, how I'm gonna feel and whatnot as I felt pretty ill informed in that case. 

I think I remained completely in the dark up until it all happened. I was kind of just told to come in on a certain day and it was be a day surgery case and I'd be allowed home the same day... Um, ok. Right. 

I went into the CAPD (continuous ambulatory peritoneal dialysis) unit and I met all the nurses. These are the guys who go through the whole dialysis process with you. I'd met some of them before in the pre-dialysis clinic but they were all very lovely and it was clear they knew what they're talking about. These guys are now like my second family and I have formed a close relationship with them as I seem to spend lots of time in that unit these days. 

However I think when someone is about to start dialysis, they should be able to meet with other people who are on dialysis so they can ask personal questions. It's all fine asking the doctor what is gonna happen but the immediate questions; "Does it hurt?" "Am I gonna lead a normal life?" "Is this it? Is this the end of my fun exciting social life?" "Am I going to die?" "What does it feel like when you're on the machine?"

These were all my biggest worries. I think I hid my worries pretty well from people around me cause some of the questions are dark but I did genuinely think these things. It would have been nice if I could have met someone and asked them these questions. They're going through it. They know for real. 

It's not like when the doctor says "You may feel just a little scratch..." when they're about to take blood form you and stick a needle in your vein. It's not a little scratch. It bloody hurts! It's a lie. - That's kinda how I felt about the whole process.